By Sarah Whittington
1. The highest heights require untainted presence. That means you need to be present without mental distractions. Mental distractions include thoughts of other lovers, discomfort with your own body, and anxiety over whether you are doing it right. The easiest way to clear your mind is to focus on your lover. Think about their breath, their heartbeat, their eyes, and how they feel. Stay present.
2. Discuss your needs and wants upfront. There’s no point in being sexually frustrated when a simple, “To the left; harder; or deeper” can transform boring to orgasmic. Some people take directions as an insult, so when you speak up, do it gently or just say please.
3. Lay off the drugs and alcohol. Sure drugs are fun – that’s why so many people do them. But, they either numb your private parts a bit or make you feel like you are having a better time than you actually are. Either way, it’s hard to follow rule #1 on drugs.
4. Accept your body as is. Ok, I know this one is difficult in a society where perfection is blasted in every media. But, you’ll be happy to know most real-life women have cellulite and most real-life men have too much body hair. I realize knowing that doesn’t help your body image issues, but instead of walking backwards out of the bedroom or shutting the lights off before you even crawl into to bed (both extremely awkward), have your partner wear a blindfold. Ok, that is a stupid non-solution and my way of saying I really don’t know what to do about this one. Here’s what my BFF says,
“You have a beautiful face and a beautiful mind, and people would die to have that! If I had to choose between a nice-looking face or cellulite, I would take the face.”
5. Don’t use sex as a punishment or a reward. (Women aren’t the only ones who do it.) Can we all grow up now? You might not feel like sex after an argument or a bad day, but you can explain that without using sex as a weapon. Withholding sex as a form of punishment or providing it as a reward is a long-term war you will not win.
6. Pets or no pets in the bedroom? You need to talk about this one with your lover. Frankly, I find it irritating when my lover stops to pet the dog. I love my dog and all, but he doesn’t deserve the attention I am losing when we are naked in bed.
7. Have fun. In between love-making, and even during love-making, stop to have some fun with each other. Sex doesn’t have to be all serious. Pillow fights, wrestling, and teasing intensifies intimacy.
8. Please, please, please, down on your knees. Technical ability is not where it’s at folks. Ok, that thing he does with his tongue is nice, but his willingness to do whatever it takes to please me sets him apart from the others. When both parties set out to please the other, intimacy and trust grows.
9. Be trustworthy. How do you expect anyone to enjoy sex with you when you are running your mouth to everyone in town about your sex life, about your relationship, and about her secrets? Shut-up so your partner can trust enough to surrender to you – especially if you are dating in a small town. Trust is multi-layered. Strive to be trusted on all layers for the ultimate play-times.
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