What Makes Lovers Crazy Angry?

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By Carisa Carlton

angryAs I understand it, anger is a secondary reaction – a defensive response to an initial injury: Something else always happens before anger, such as fear of abandonment or a narcissistic wound.

In 10 Topics to Discuss Before Sharing Your Bed, I said couples should discuss what tips them toward temporary insanity, or really angry. Once you understand what makes you or your lover crazy angry, you can better navigate your relationship. If your lover is unable to articulate what makes him/her angry, consider the public’s below response to my survey, “In three words or less, what makes you crazy angry at a lover?

1. Letting romance die. Initially, we are bonded by generous doses of oxytocin and we enjoy exciting peaks of dopamine releases during our sexual encounters. Gradually, we begin to see our lover’s faults and we fall out of lust. According to Walter Last, “During this time we tend towards increasing irritability, nagging, resentment, frustration, blaming each other and similar negative emotions as an expression of a biological hangover.” The romance and sexual desire shifts from hot and steamy to sometimes non-existent. The loss of romance (hot sex on the beach), causes one or both parties to feel abandoned and angry.  Your best defense is to remain cognizant of the process and make efforts to keep the romance alive before it reaches this stage.

2. Refusal to communicate. Dr. Fritz Perls said, “Refusal to communicate is the most toxic human behavior.”  Usually people who refuse to communicate live their lives as functional sociopaths – they are self-centered with no regard for others. Not communicating is manipulative communication aimed at getting another to over-react.  The upside is that they challenge us to remain centered. Our efforts to not add to the pain and suffering toxic people use to justify their emotional cruelty and brutal behavior is our best strategy.

3. Inconsistency. In order for trust to evolve in a relationship, we must be consistent, and I don’t mean consistently inconsistent. The uniformity of consistent behavior reflects reliability and predictability. When we can reasonably predict a lover’s response or behavior, we open ourselves to journeying further. When someone is inconsistent, it feels chaotic and unstable, causing many to become crazy angry.  If you are in a relationship with an inconsistent person, create enough space to allow you to remain stable despite the other person’s rolling fluctuations.

4. Disrespect.  From changing the channel to rolling eyes to habitual tardiness, disrespect pushes people over the edge because it hurts. If you are in a disrespectful relationship, I believe your only emotionally healthy option is to leave. The best way to avoid disrespectful relationships is to love and respect yourself first. When you know and appreciate your own value, you are less likely to attract people who are disrespectful.

What are some better ways to cope with behaviors that make people angry? I’m sure our readers could benefit from your advice. 







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Author: Carisa Carlton

Carisa Carlton is the Editor in Chief of Laguna Beach Gazette. Learn more about Carlton at http://www.carisacarlton.com/ .

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