Single In Laguna: Third Date Rule

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By Richard Craig

third date ruleSo here I was trying to be smooth, which, after a very weird divorce I was NOT. Sitting across from me was a luscious, curvy, wildly attractive woman. Exasperated by my dating questions, she began to list the answers and help me. She asked me if I was a player, I answered “Of course, I love golf and baseball…”

She slammed her hand down and said, “This will be a very expensive dinner” It was.

First, in defining a player, was what she described as the “third date rule”. I looked like a deer in the headlights…the what? If I have not offended everyone yet in my column, I probably will now.

The “third date rule” is, simply put, if you don’t end up in bed by the third date, there will be not be a fourth. So I started to ask around and I got many good responses – and a few pissed off remarks. One woman told me to do something I think is morally and physically impossible as she walked away from me.

All the guys were put off by the question. They assured me that they are gentlemen, and as we said in high school, “putting out by the third date was not a deal breaker.” But after a few drinks, honesty began to overshadow much of the conversations. It seems every guy would like to be the white knight on the horse and never force a woman into anything. But, the guys that are NOT looking for a woman to settle down with pretty much said that the third date rule was pretty damn close to how they operated. If not intentionally, unintentionally.

A few men claim they would not assume such a thing. They would wait for a woman’s overture. But these men were a very few, and they tended to be older, they did not date much, AND they were looking for a woman to settle down with – sooner rather than later.

Women were Much Harsher on the Guys

A few gals I talked with had been the target of “the rule” and they make it a point not to allow the date to get near the bedroom before the fourth or fifth date. They said, without hesitation, “Men want sex, and if they don’t get it on the third date, they will dump you. I want to find out who they are first.” Pretty harsh I thought.

A real honest woman, when asked, said, “Well Richard, first, who said it has to be between the sheets – I love the ninth green on the golf course. Second, why does it have to take the third date? If I like him, it is OK anytime”. (I promised to never divulge her name – but I am keeping her number.)

My take, oddly enough, is that there pretty much is an unwritten “third date rule” .

If anyone defines a dating relationship by the number of dates (3) before they have sex is pretty much the problem with the world and the self-centeredness that exists. Everyone has different reasons and motivations for when and if they want sex.

Sure, sex is incredibly important, as is a bunch of other things, but actually going into a dating relationship with this in mind, consciously or not, is nuts. And I have one dilemma, since I now have social permission to “expect” to sleep with my date on our third outing, can I sleep with three gals on my first date? (All this stuff just gets confusing.)

The Way I Read People

In this day and age, with and all the other online dating websites, dating many woman – or men – at once is pretty much the norm. Most singles I met who were on never, and I mean NEVER, removed themselves until pushed since they were always out there shopping for a better date. And frankly, one woman, a psychologist at that, told me “doing” Match was better than shopping for shoes. (Yes, I was her Match date.)

So, as disposable as the dating world can be, I came to the realization that the exception to “the rule” is rare. It was a bit odd, most women often had sex by the third date, but NEVER out of fear of the guy not asking them out again. It was always because she liked him and had no reason to wait longer.

Different with Men

Many guys said if they were not in a sexual relationship by the third date, or at least had one mutually planned, they were gone (or at least aggressively working Even the guys that said they would never consider such a rule, admitted, generally speaking, the third date rule was the pattern. So let’s not be so surprised when everyone wants STD tests before they date you. The only problem with that is you wont get an appointment and the results before you get sex……

I need your honest feedback. Tell me the good the bad and the ugly about dating. And tell me the truth. You don’t need to use your real name.

Be careful on the ninth green, you might get a ……. no, that’s too easy.

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Author: Richard Craig

Richard Craig is not my real name, but if asked in public I will not deny who I am. I do write, and have for a long time. I am over 50, single and honestly baffled by the single community in Laguna at times. My job is, with your help, to figure it out.

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  1. It’s important to know as soon as possible if we are sexually compatible. I don’t want to spend time dating a man if in the end, I don’t like having sex with him.

    For some reason, Americans like to make a big deal out of sex and all things sexual. I have had sex on the first date and the relationship has lasted years. It didn’t end because we discovered how much we love to fuck on the first date, but rather because I am just not good at relationships.

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  2. Joanna,

    Thanks for the candor. I am curious if you might share with everyone your personal experiences with guys and this issue? It would be helpful.. thanks

    R C

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    • My prior response says a lot.
      1) If someone wants a lay they will go for it – man or women
      2) If someone wants something long term they will wait

      The area I never spelled out clearly but a smart person could read between the lines. If a women wants a long term relationship don’t give into having sex early on, if the man doesn’t call her back to make another date due to not having sex, he wasn’t serious in the first place.

      Women with self worth who want something long term will easily use this as a filter and not turn back if a guy walks away. It does her a favor and gets her closer to her goal of a stable long term relationship.

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  3. As my good guy friend who was a player told me, if a guy wants to marry you, he will not try to sleep with you and wait until you are ready. This man bedded women left right and center, sometimes a couple a day, however for his wife he waited until his wedding night, which she requested they do. They dated for several years and he stayed true to not sleeping with her until their wedding night.

    He admitted that any women who gives him sex easily he doesn’t feel is marriage or girlfriend material.

    For myself, my husband waited, I was more attracted to him because he wasn’t trying to have sex with me and cared to make a stable friendship before intimacy, he was simply happy hanging out. He explained to me at one point that he is looking for something with substance it isn’t about sex, he is looking for something long term to get married. If he wanted a just a lay he would have tried to have sex with me on a third date and ditched me if I didn’t but that wasn’t his MO

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    • It’s hard being a piece of meat dropped into a fish tank – men don’t get that.

      It takes a lot longer than a third date to get to know me. Anyone patient enough to get to know, and love, the real me is the one I want. Everyone else is just a party.

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